Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.