ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van