Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!