Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I missed you with all my darts
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
So true for me
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.