Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
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Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch