Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
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My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Bond. Trauma bond.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Doctors texting each other.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”