Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
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Planet of the Apps.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Breaking news:
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.