[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
You Might Also Like
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
A choir of Spring onions
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway