Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@elle91

Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.

@TheRolo

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

@milifeasdad

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

@PleaseBeGneiss

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

@SoulYodeler

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*

@MelKassel

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

@meghaonthemove

OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.

@FierceMess

I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.

@BeerBatterBeard

The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”

@TweetPotato314

Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?

Me: no thanks. I hate stairs

Date: coffee means sex

Me: how many stairs?