Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!

-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”

*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*

*celebrates the thought with a pizza*

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.

ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

[heaven]

IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do

ME: Me too

I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?

M: I didn’t stop poking a bear

If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.

I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted

*presses wheelchair accessible button*

*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*

“We’re here for a haircut.”

This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?