Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
You Might Also Like
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit