*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
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whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.