[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
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Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
had to share :’)
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?