Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You Might Also Like
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
the last thing a carrot sees
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
this article brought to you by lions
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”