[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
You Might Also Like
$3 #books
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes