*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
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My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you