*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
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“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Yes, but it was never about money
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds