[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
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I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
And they lived apathetically ever after.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??