*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
I’m putting together a team
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce