Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!

Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

“you’re odd”

“you are also odd”

“yes”

“so we’re even”

Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”

ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

yeet

I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.

[construction site]

NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mine

FOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds

NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

*Wife screams*

“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”

*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*

“It’s his house now”

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.