*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.