[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
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We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.