The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
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I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.
We’re on the 12th floor…
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.