(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
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Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
called in thicc to work this morning