[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
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Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
*weighs self after shaving
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
Note to self: I am a note
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one