[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
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Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
this is the best interaction on twitter
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !