[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
me and the Superbowl rn
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
My Sentiments Exactly
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’