[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
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My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck