Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
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God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
それは草
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Always 🥴
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
If snakes were wide
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between