ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
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I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
After 35, your body ages in dog years
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.