(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
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Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Just a bush.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Breaking news:
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.