art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
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5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
I’m about to risk it all
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly