art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

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*Hires life coach*

“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”

*Fires life coach*


H: “Whatcha doing?”

Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”

H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”

Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”


Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.


genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”


Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!


Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter


Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.


2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.

2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!


The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105