art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
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Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed