Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
How actors in movies eat their food
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.