ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
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Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
We’ve come full circle
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.