ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
#parenting
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Friday
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
My what?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
I need this for my side hustle.