(about to invent gargoyles) babe the cathedral looks great. how can we get a little fucking freak on the roof.
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*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
reduce, reuse, recycle
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.