birds are so strange you literally have wings why are u in the state of ohio
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Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
Van Gone
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕