birds are so strange you literally have wings why are u in the state of ohio
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese