(butler whispering in my ear) sir, you have just been retweeted by an evil little man.
me to the table: excuse me gentlemen. something has arisen that requires my immediate attention
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I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Sell your car
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My last name is Zilla.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I can’t deal with men any longer
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs