Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

no, no… I don’t want to be a burden

– me being a total burden

I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.