Can’t wait to see my boys from college this weekend. They’re going to tell me about how much money they make in the finance industry. And I’m going to tell them that I’ve noticed an alarming and sinister pattern in the briefcases that contain a million dollars on Deal or No Deal
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
