Can’t wait to see my boys from college this weekend. They’re going to tell me about how much money they make in the finance industry. And I’m going to tell them that I’ve noticed an alarming and sinister pattern in the briefcases that contain a million dollars on Deal or No Deal
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
*exercises sarcastically*
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I was bored.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
