email was a mistake. we shouldn’t be able to communicate this quickly. if my husband died at Gettysburg, that’s not my business until next spring.
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Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.