email was a mistake. we shouldn’t be able to communicate this quickly. if my husband died at Gettysburg, that’s not my business until next spring.
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ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Victorian Era YouTube comments
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!
Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?