For the past 20 years I’ve received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
lost dog
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”