For the past 20 years I’ve received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer. So I was pretty upset when I didn’t get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me