God, I was so happy when I was 18. I wasn’t at the time, but in retrospect I was.
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Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
tell em, edith-anne
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep