Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.

Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.

i guess his teacher was really pissed

[date]

ME: Tell me about yourself

HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire

ME: That’s weird

HER: What is?

ME: Being afraid of stairs

Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.

What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.

Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…

Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

[first day as a spelling bee judge]

Me: your word is Sarcasm

Him: can you use it in a sentence please?

Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”

Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.