hey babe sorry i have so many curios and relics scattered around my room
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[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*
HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.