Many of you townsfolk claim to be “on that merchant shit,” yet upon a simple day’s trip to the market, I have found none of your wares.
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Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.