Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.

C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible

Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.

Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands