no offense but sometimes you can just tell if someone took gym class seriously. it’s such a specific vibe
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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.