no offense but sometimes you can just tell if someone took gym class seriously. it’s such a specific vibe
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Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Does this dress make me look cat?
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.