scrolling on my phone (in the bad way)
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5yo: knock knock
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day
MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
professor x: what’s ur superpower
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
What’s the opposite of irony?
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Him: I like powerful women.
*dresses up as a rhino*
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*
Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?