There was a woman who worked at my job a few years ago who went on vacation to Europe. She’d saved up a bunch of days and was gone for a month.
When she came back she tendered her resignation. No notice. Just bounced.
Listen to me–
Iconic.Her triumph is now office lore.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
