There was a woman who worked at my job a few years ago who went on vacation to Europe. She’d saved up a bunch of days and was gone for a month.
When she came back she tendered her resignation. No notice. Just bounced.
Listen to me–
Iconic.Her triumph is now office lore.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
