we all have that one homie who’s a little esoteric with it
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing