we all have that one homie who’s a little esoteric with it
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Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Just had my nails done!
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
i’m sure it’s fine