“Y’all wouldn’t have survived COD lobbies in 09 😂”
My brother in Christ, you are 36 years old. It’s time to move on.
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“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!