“Y’all wouldn’t have survived COD lobbies in 09 😂”
My brother in Christ, you are 36 years old. It’s time to move on.
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Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.