You don’t see a lot of brown cars anymore. When I was a kid it was just doodoo brown Oldsmobiles all over
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Velcrow
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
Worth a try
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight