You don’t see a lot of brown cars anymore. When I was a kid it was just doodoo brown Oldsmobiles all over
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My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…still more neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.